


falling twice.

by pseudesthesia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, I hate myself for this, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 21:53:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18646819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudesthesia/pseuds/pseudesthesia
Summary: Steve is willing to sacrifice himself in order to bring everyone back. There's something he doesn't know, though.READ NOTES FIRST!! ALSO A LOT OF SPOILERS.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I am not a native speaker, so this will probably have a lot of mistakes and some parts won't even make any sense! Prepare for short chapters and grammar errors..
> 
> 2\. I haven't watched Endgame yet. I have no freaking clue about how they get everyone back, who dies and who doesn't, if Thanos dies and how, why they need the stones and how time/reality works.. I only know that Natasha sacrificed herself and Steve left Bucky and everyone else behind for Peggy and came back human and old. I don't know anything else!!

“So what happens now?”

Tony's voice fills the room, full of sadness but not ready for revenge. It's been 3 months since they lost pretty much everyone. Vision, Wanda, Sam, Peter and T'Challa, even _Fury_.But Steve's heart breaks more for Bucky. He still can't believe that he lost him again. He didn't even get to say goodbye. But when does he get what he wants, really?

Natasha puts her hands over her head and closes her eyes. She's never felt like this, so helpless. There's only silence yet the voices in her head can't stop screaming, reminding her that she can't do anything and everyone is dead. Forever.

She stands up, throwing her chair back. She's had enough of this. She doesn't care if it ends badly, she can't keep standing there while everyone they loved is _literally_ dust.

"Doctor Strange said that he knew this was going to happen, right? Because this is the only way we win. Out of millions of possible endings and futures, this is the one we DO win."

"What's your point, Romanoff?" 

Steve hasn't called her by her last name in ages. But he was too tired to even bother being polite, to even care. 

Natasha's eyes widen and her lips form a smile.

"My point,  _Rogers_ , is that we have to get our hopes up again instead of living like ghosts. Tell me, these 3 months, what have we done except from being guilty and mourning?"

"So you're saying that it's wrong to mourn? I didn't quite catch that. What's wrong with grief?" Tony's words come before he even thinks, but he doesn't notice.

"What I'm saying is that we can get everyone back. And we will. This is our only chance to do so. Strange didn't turn to dust for nothing."

She stops talking once she realises she has to think of a plan. Her thoughts are interrupted by Steve, whose voice is noticeably lower than it used to be.

"I agree, but what's your plan?"

Tony turns his head to look out of the window for a few seconds, and then turns back to look at Natasha.

"It's not like we can go back to time and get the infinity stones before that nutsuck-faced moron.." he says, with a smirk on his face.

"Actually", Natasha smiles before continuing,

"That's exactly we are going to do."


	2. Chapter 2

The snap wasn't an easy choice for Thanos, everyone knew it. He hated himself even more for it. And when he lost the time stone, he started doubting his plans even more. But his dreams came true ; half of the universe was now dust. There was finally balance.

The infinity stone wasn't with the wizards, since Strange was, well, dust. So where was it? His army was too dead to help him find it, so he tried to come up with a plan and how he would find it. Yes, he was still the strongest and most powerful creature in the universe, but losing the time stone wasn't something that was supposed to happen.

It took a few weeks for The Avengers to figure out what they had to do, but when they did, they were beyond happy.

First, they had to find the time stone. Which was on the exact same position as where Thanos snapped his fingers and half of the universe was gone. Once they had it, Bruce, being the one with the most knowledge of infinity stones, would help Steve go back in time and get the soul stone. He would bring Strange back to help him. Then, he would use the reality stone to make his reality (the past, Thanos doesn't get the stones) the actual reality and Bruce will bring him back.

It sounded so easy in theory, but in reality, everyone had doubts that they never expressed. Especially Steve, he had nothing to lose. He already lost Bucky for the second time, he wouldn't mind dying while trying to bring him and everyone else back.

Meanwhile, Wakanda was still on its feet somehow, despite losing half of its people and  their king, being the Avengers' home for the past months after Thanos. Everyone was very grateful for their help.

Unfortunately, their king wasn't there to help too. So his people (the ones that were left, really) promised that they would sacrifice everything to get him back.  
But there was no war for them to fight.

Steve and Bruce weren't sure if they could be the ones responsible for saving the world and bringing everyone back, but they didn't let the weight on their shoulders consume them. The world was going to get its greatest defendant back and their loved ones, as Steve would get Bucky.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve's arms are around Natasha, who is smiling yet has a sad expression. She knows that there's a chance she may not see him again, or that their plan goes to hell and no one comes back. But she trusts him with her heart, and knows he will do his best to succeed. He is Captain America, after all.

Steve starts walking, before looking at Natasha, Tony and everyone else standing outside of the Wakanda Castle. He is heading towards the forest where Thanos left the time stone, leaving Bruce behind to say goodbye to the rest of the Avengers. When he hears his footsteps and realises he is catching up, Steve turns his head back to face Bruce, with a smile full of hope.

"So what's this portal you are talking about?" he asks, while looking down at his feet.

"Shuri and I made it, so we can send you to hell faster." Bruce snorts, laughing lightly at his own joke. His eyes meet Steve's, who then rolls them and smirks.

"What I meant, is that I am the one that can take the power of the stone, but I am not the one that is going back in time. So we had to build this thing over here," he stops and points at the portal, then turns to Steve to keep talking

"So the power goes to it and then to you. Bingo, no one dies and you go back to time."

Steve's gaze is now on the portal. He takes a deep breath and steps on it.

Bruce notices his fear and puts his hand on Steve's shoulder, trying to calm him down. "It's okay", he whispers, "It's okay to be afraid. You are risking your life here. You are not fearless, Steve, you are human."

Steve laughs as Bruce takes his hand off and gets the stone. He looks at him and mouths "Oh god." when he realises the time has come.

"You ready?" Bruce asks, even though he knows the answer will always be no. No one would ever be ready for this.

Steve gets a tighter grip on his shield, raises his head and closes his eyes. The picture of the blue sky with the grey clouds of Wakanda is repeated on his head for a few seconds.

"Do it!" he shouts, as if Bruce wouldn't hear him anyway. He tries to convince himself that he is okay.

Steve opens his eyes and feels his body shatter while not being able to see anything. There's too much light, he thinks. And then there's nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the worst thing ever lmao I'm sorry I'm disappointing y'all right now.

Steve gasps for air, while he jumps from his head. He tries to slow his breathing down, but it doesn't seem to work very well. After a minute, when he feels calm enough, he turns his head left and right, scanning his room.

Yeah, he is actually back.

He smiles and tries not to scream from excitement. He reminds himself that he has a lot of work to do, and he just began.

But he was so happy he was back, and it worked, that he was confident he could get the stones and erase everyone's death.

He stands up, still grinning like an idiot and opens his door. He makes his breakfast and starts thinking about getting the soul stone. He had to convince Tony or Shuri to help him get to space, to the planet where the soul stone is kept by its keeper.

He realises that Tony and him hadn't spoken in months, before Thanos' attack but that doesn't stop him. He only has one month before Thanos starts looking for the stones. He searches through his contacts on his phone, and stops at Tony Stark. Without a second thought, he presses his name and puts his phone next to his ear.

The beep noises drive him insane. It takes too long for Tony to answer, but when he actually does Steve sighs in relief.

"Hey, Rogers." Tony doesn't sound neither angry nor happy, more like casual.

"Look, Tony, I know we haven't spoken in months. But I need you to help me."

"That's a shocker. And why exactly would I help you?"

"Because we are going to save the world." Steve tries to sound as convincing as he can.

____________________________

It took Tony and Shuri less than a week to take one of Wakanda's best spaceships and with Tony's tech, it is perfect for Steve to get to the soul stone.

Tony keeps bragging about how if he wasn't there Steve would be nothing and the world would be damned. If the situation was any different, Steve would fight with him. Instead, he knows he needs him and just laughs and tries to agree.

Shuri wishes Steve good luck and Tony looks Steve dead in the eye, while coldly telling him not to die. Steve knows that Tony cares, but is too stubborn to admit it after months of not talking. He smiles and heads for the spaceship.

Once the engines start making enough noise to interrupt Steve's thoughts and make him focus on the map and his destination, Steve puts his hands on the steering wheel and looks up the sky. He whispers a name.

He remembers how fascinated he was with technology, when Steve himself was uninterested. Perhaps because he had more time to adjust than his unlucky friend.

"Bucky."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know this is annoying, but please read notes first. This storyline won't make any sense if you think it follows Infinity War or Endgame. It's heavily inspired, yes, but not the same.

Getting there is probably way easier than Steve expected it to be. No obstacles so far. He lands the spaceship the closest he can get to the hill where the soul stone is located and gets out.

"Okay, what now?" he asks himself, as if he expected someone to answer. He begins to walk towards the hill, full of confidence for his work.

What he doesn't expect to see there, though, when he arrives, is a familiar face. An enemy, in particular.

"Schmidt?"

Steve suddenly can't feel his legs. His voice is shaking and he loses all of his confidence, while his eyes are wide open and can't move from Schmidt's figure.

He is so shocked he doesn't even realise that Red Skull is walking towards him, but not in a threatening way. He looks kind of tired, actually.

"Steven Rogers." Schmidt announces, as if he wasn't amused that Steve was chosen to take the soul stone.

"It's been a long, long time.", he begins again, in a thick yet unforgettable accent.

"You," Steve tries to find the right words, but his brain seems to not be able to.

"You are the protector of the soul stone?" he finally says, voice stuttering and full of shock and fear.

"Yes, and I couldn't be more grateful." Schmidt is actually smiling at him, and Steve can tell it's genuine.

"How come?" he dares to ask.

"I am finally at peace. Believe it or not, I have never felt this peaceful.. Even though I'm alone."

Steve tries to look away and succeeds. He stops thinking about what happened to the man in front of him, not knowing what to expect anymore.

"Don't be afraid. I wouldn't hurt you, I don't do that sort of thing anymore" Schmidt smiles again (?), as if he could read Steve's mind.

"There is something I have to tell you, though."

Steve looks at him again, focused, blue eyes meeting brown ones.

"To get the soul stone, you have to sacrifice someone. A soul, if you will."

"Oh."

Steve immediately knows who is going to die. It's going to him. But it's okay. He has to, it's his responsibility.

"But that's not you, Captain."

His words hit him like a train. No, he couldn't let anyone else die but him. What's the point of saving everyone else if someone still has to die? He would never agree to that.

"It's someone that has a strong connection with you.." Schmidt takes a step back and turns his back to Steve, hoping he will follow him. Steve doesn't move though.

"The person whose soul is devoted to yours. That's why it's the soul stone, after all."

Steve takes a step forward, hanging on Schmidt's words.  
It's like his brain has stopped working, he can't think of anyone.

"I know you are from the future. But that's not a problem. You can still do the sacrifice. It's the soul that matters, even if the body is turned to dust."

Steve freezes. He can think only of one name.

Peggy.

Suddenly Schmidt turns around. Steve thinks he wants to face him, but instead he smiles at him for a second and then stares behind him.

"Steve?"

Steve turns around.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw i posted the beta version earlier this day, but i tried to fix it so i had to delete it and skksksksks no one cares, ty for reading c:

The first thing Steve notices about Bucky is his appearance. His hair. It's short, like in the war. And he is wearing his uniform. Steve smiles at the thought of that.

Another thing he realises, though, is that Bucky doesn't have his metal arm anymore. He still has both of his arms.

He's probably human, too. Is this his body from before Hydra? What about his memories?

Steve tries to take his eyes off Bucky, but fails. He can't look away no matter what, as his best friend walks towards him.

"Is it really you? Oh my god-"

Before Steve can even answer, Bucky hugs him tightly, as if he doesn't want to let go.

Steve hugs him back while Bucky rubs his head on Steve's shoulder.

"You didn't turn to dust too, did you?" Bucky laughs at himself, but Steve can tell he is in pain.

Bucky lets go and raises his head up to face Steve. He never noticed how short his best friend was. 

Steve remembers he is standing there, staring at Bucky who is waiting for him to talk and he doesn't know what to do. Bucky has those giant, full of pain yet puppy eyes staring at him and nostalgia fills the atmosphere.

"No, I didn't."  
The words come out of Steve's mouth, without any emotion. He probably sounds rude, but he is too confused to correct himself.

Steve takes a step back from Bucky and turns to Schmidt.

"I thought you meant Peggy. She is my soulmate."

He doesn't say anything, he just laughs. Steve is confused.

"You don't understand." Bucky puts his hands on Steve's face and turns it to face him.

"It's not the person you love the most. It's the person who loves you the most." Bucky mumbles, and Steve can hear the pain in his voice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Steve's voice still lacks of emotion.

Bucky takes his hands off his face, while refusing to meet Steve's eyes. He goes to Schmidt, and both of them exchange a look as if they know what is going to happen without saying anything. They start going towards the edge of the hill.

"Wait!" Steve shouts, with any strength he has left. He starts following them, still confused.

Neither of them stop. They just keep walking, until they are on the edge.

Steve starts running and when he finally gets there, he goes next to Schmidt.

"I still need an explanation." he deadpans, while looking at the beautiful scenery in front of him.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Schmidt chooses to ignore Steve's. Bucky turns and looks at Steve. Schmidt catches him stare at Steve as if he is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, and laughs. "That's not what I meant." he jokes, yet Steve doesn't understand, while he is too lost in his own thoughts.

"I will give you one minute, I don't have all the time in the world, you know." he added, hitting Bucky on the shoulder and leaving, going a few meters away to give them their space.

"Would you, please, for the love of God, explain to me what's going on there? I came here for the soul stone to save everyone that died, that turned into stone." Steve sounds angry, and Bucky knows the reason.

"I know you came here to save me. But now you changed your mind. You hate me, don't you?" Bucky's eyes water a little, but he's glad no one can see it. Especially Steve.

Bucky takes a step forward.

"Why would I hate you, Bucky? You are my best friend. I am going to sav-"

Bucky interrupts him, putting his index finger on Steve's lips.

"Not anymore. There's something you don't know."

"What?"

"I have.. I always have.. I.." Bucky stops, as he hears Schmidt approaching. How the hell is this a minute? It felt like two seconds to him.

"Bucky, what is going on?"

Bucky doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say anyway. He takes Steve's hands, both of them, and curls his fingers with his own, holding them.

"For as long as I remember myself being by your side, I have hated myself s-"  
He stops himself, taking his hands off Steve's and wiping away his tears.  
"-so much that I couldn't take it anymore."

Steve's eyes soften when he hears that. He tilts his head, his eyes always on Bucky's.

"But why?"

"Because I loved you.. But you could never love me back." Bucky hates himself for saying those words. He sworn that he would take it to his grave. Yet he couldn't. This was his last chance.

He starts sobbing more than he ever did in his entire life, looking down in shame. He takes a step back, to the edge, putting his hand on his mouth and fighting back his tears.

"Not like that.." he whispers while looking at Steve for a moment, just to look away.

Schmidt is now next to Steve and in front of Bucky, who knows it's time. Steve's eyes widen even more and start to tear up. Part of him wants to hug Bucky and apologize for being so goddamn oblivious.

Another part wants to hate him. But he can't. And before he can even blink, Schmidt kicks Bucky, who gasps and throws his hand.

It all happened so slow. Steve catches himself thinking right away "But if he knew that he was going to fall, why did he reach out for my hand? It was probably a reflex".

Like Bucky has his reflex of trying to hold on subconsciously, even though he wants to fall, Steve also grabs his hand and holds him.

"Bucky!" he shouts, as if that's going to help the situation. Nothing can save this.

Bucky raises his head and looks at Steve terrified, with dry tears on his face and regret on his eyes.

"I'm not letting you fall! Not again.."

Bucky tries to raise his hand and holds Steve's hand with both of his.

"You have to.." Bucky sounds so calm, when he shouldn't.

He takes his hands off and loses grip, falling down while making the exact same sound like when he fell off the train.

Steve falls back on his back, his body hitting the ground. His eyes stay locked on the sky, and he starts tearing up.

He can't say anything. He can't think, he can't move. He can't even breathe.

Bucky is dead. He lost him.

Again.


End file.
